Thursday, 14 January 2010

5 Steps to save Liverpool's plummeting reputation

Originally this was going to be a simple guide that Rafael Benitez could thumb through at his leisure, possibly while nonchalantly grooming his goatee, on how Liverpool's season could be saved from the human misery that it is now inflicted on everyone of its supporter. However, following last nights FA Cup defeat at the hands of a plucky Reading side that is languishing one place above the relegation zone in the Championship, its has become obvious with crystal clear clarity, that its far too late to save the season.

Yes, I have finally awaken from a self inflicted solitary confinement of denial, and have come to terms with that the only prize being offered now, is the glimmer of holding on to a rapidly fading Liverpool reputation. I have mourned the Champions League, and have accepted that the Premier League will probably haven taken an early retirement by the time Liverpool ever get back into the reckoning.

So with out further delay, here is my simple 5 step plan on how Liverpool can salvage its ailing reputation.

1. Kidnap Xabi Alsono from Real Madrid
Given that Benitez was responsible for Alonso's exit following a baffling campaign to bring Gareth Barry to Anfield, I would task Benitez -accompanied by the aide of a crafty scouser sidekick, with a covert operation to smuggle Alonso back. Once returned back to his rightful home of Anfield, to avoid suspicion, Alsono would then have to adorn a wavy black wig that bounces with volume, and wear the shirt of his supposed replacement, Alberto Aqualani. With Aqualani absent most of the time due to his insatiable affection with the injury table, its the perfect guise, and a win win solution for all parties.

2. Hire Glenn Hoddle's faith healer
Having faith, albeit blind faith at times, is integral to any successful side, and is something that is sorely lacking, currently among the Liverpool ranks. The drastic inclusion of a faith healer in the dressing room might alienate Liverpool from their supporters, and cause a media frenzy, but a least this might detract from misfortunes on the pitch. It would also further cement the sentiment, "In Rafa we trust."

3. Re-brand the Europa League (again)
And shamelessly call it the Champions Division, where only champions past and present are eligible to qualify every year to the exclusive club. If your name doesn't have the word "Champion" inscribed after it on the prestigious list, then you aint getting in.

4. Expand the "Big four" to the "Big Six"

I am tired of the same old "big four" predictably shuffling themselves in an orderly queue for a dollop of nauseating Champions League dinner. An exhaustion that has nothing to do with the fact that Liverpool are in danger of inadvertently dropping out of the dinner line for the first time in years. No, I just feel its time that more Premier League clubs got the chance to participate in an already English dominated arena. Although, perhaps I am being overly ambitious and presumptuous to think that a top 6 finish for Liverpool is within reach.

5. Clone Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres
Dolly the sheep was cloned in the last century and Sam Rockwell was being duplicated for corporate convenience in the sci-fi thriller Moon, then surely cloning Liverpool's two star players must be a technological possibility? Sure, there would be a few minor ethical hurdles that would need to be navigated and maybe a couple of rule changes that FIFA would have to tweak, but nothing too major. For extra measure, I would also infuse the clones with horse placenta in a cocktail of equine-star athlete scientific mastery.

If for some inexplicable reason Benitez chooses to ignore all of the above recommendations thus further risking imminent failure, and, if you happen to be a Liverpool supporter reading this then you may wish to consider lowering the bar of expectation by beginning to support a team that already has a lower reputation. The only question being, with your faith so delicately poised, is which team has the right level of ability to carry your expectation? Which conveniently leads me to announce that I will be providing all the answers in a new series called "Club Limelight" in which I have given my self the epic task of critiquing all the prospective candidates starting from League 2 all the way to the Premier League. Quite a sacrifice you might say. Stay tuned for more details to follow next week.......


  1. Perhaps Benitez should try to avoid riding his horses (Gerrard and Torres) until they are foaming at the mouth and near dead.

    Putting together a deep, balanced lineup would enable Gerrard and Torres to rest more for important matches.

  2. Being overly dependent on Torres and Gerrard is definitely not healthy, but Liverpool simple do not have the money or the eye to pick up bargains that turn in to gems


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