Mourning the Departure of Rafa Benitez

I use the word mourn purposely as scouring the headlines yesterday morning was like reading the obituaries. "Rafa leaves" one, "Benitez departs Anfield" another. What do you mean leave? Depart? Where to? I ask in vain, like some one in a state of shock at the loss of a close one. He rests in piece on the other side now, a morbid, and not so comforting thought that fills my cerebral.

I may not have been Benitez biggest fan, and in fact at times I found his tactics baffling and his repressed persona alienating, but after 6 years at the helm of Anfield, that commenced with that epic night in Istanbul, its is hard not to feel aggrieved that the poor performance of one season has outweighed the accomplishments of the other five.

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Predictable as Ferguson and Benitez

The moment the ball flew off Didier Drogba's boot and rifled in to the back of Edwin van Der Sar's net, with the heavy suspicion of offside, I knew, predictably, that Ferguson would instantaneously begin rehearsing his ensuing wrath about the officials for the post match press conference.

The replays, as expected confirmed that the linesmen had made a glaring mistake, and I am sure the incrimination, would have had the offending man in black panic stricken, also bringing in to question his chosen profession. Why on earth would you be a linesman?? Is this not a job that could have been replaced by a more efficient and accurate machine? Holes in the wall can dispense cash, arguably with more polite delivery than their human counterparts, so why is there not a machine that can judge offsides? Failing robotic linesmen, at least give them the use of a video replay.

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Liverpool anything but "Guaranteed" 4th place

Following their deflating loss to old foe Manchester United, Liverpool teeter on the brink of being banished from the exclusive top four party.

Liverpool started the game at Old Trafford in explosive fashion, daring to take the lead after only 5 minutes of play, the first goal United have conceded at home since their loss to Aston Villa back in December last year. The goal was supplied by a Dirk Kuyt cross from the byline, which Fernando Torres leaped majestically to, burying his header unopposed. Such was the quality of the header, that current England captain Rio Ferdinand, and much rumored to be recalled as England right back, Gary Neville, both left Torres unmarked. Preferring, instead, to gaze in awe like a pair of adoring statues.

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5 Steps to save Liverpool's plummeting reputation

Originally this was going to be a simple guide that Rafael Benitez could thumb through at his leisure, possibly while nonchalantly grooming his goatee, on how Liverpool's season could be saved from the human misery that it is now inflicted on everyone of its supporter. However, following last nights FA Cup defeat at the hands of a plucky Reading side that is languishing one place above the relegation zone in the Championship, its has become obvious with crystal clear clarity, that its far too late to save the season.

Yes, I have finally awaken from a self inflicted solitary confinement of denial, and have come to terms with that the only prize being offered now, is the glimmer of holding on to a rapidly fading Liverpool reputation. I have mourned the Champions League, and have accepted that the Premier League will probably haven taken an early retirement by the time Liverpool ever get back into the reckoning.

So with out further delay, here is my simple 5 step plan on how Liverpool can salvage its ailing reputation.

1. Kidnap Xabi Alsono from Real Madrid
Given that Benitez was responsible for Alonso's exit following a baffling campaign to bring Gareth Barry to Anfield, I would task Benitez -accompanied by the aide of a crafty scouser sidekick, with a covert operation to smuggle Alonso back. Once returned back to his rightful home of Anfield, to avoid suspicion, Alsono would then have to adorn a wavy black wig that bounces with volume, and wear the shirt of his supposed replacement, Alberto Aqualani. With Aqualani absent most of the time due to his insatiable affection with the injury table, its the perfect guise, and a win win solution for all parties.

2. Hire Glenn Hoddle's faith healer
Having faith, albeit blind faith at times, is integral to any successful side, and is something that is sorely lacking, currently among the Liverpool ranks. The drastic inclusion of a faith healer in the dressing room might alienate Liverpool from their supporters, and cause a media frenzy, but a least this might detract from misfortunes on the pitch. It would also further cement the sentiment, "In Rafa we trust."

3. Re-brand the Europa League (again)
And shamelessly call it the Champions Division, where only champions past and present are eligible to qualify every year to the exclusive club. If your name doesn't have the word "Champion" inscribed after it on the prestigious list, then you aint getting in.

4. Expand the "Big four" to the "Big Six"
I am tired of the same old "big four" predictably shuffling themselves in an orderly queue for a dollop of nauseating Champions League dinner. An exhaustion that has nothing to do with the fact that Liverpool are in danger of inadvertently dropping out of the dinner line for the first time in years. No, I just feel its time that more Premier League clubs got the chance to participate in an already English dominated arena. Although, perhaps I am being overly ambitious and presumptuous to think that a top 6 finish for Liverpool is within reach.

5. Clone Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres
Dolly the sheep was cloned in the last century and Sam Rockwell was being duplicated for corporate convenience in the sci-fi thriller Moon, then surely cloning Liverpool's two star players must be a technological possibility? Sure, there would be a few minor ethical hurdles that would need to be navigated and maybe a couple of rule changes that FIFA would have to tweak, but nothing too major. For extra measure, I would also infuse the clones with horse placenta in a cocktail of equine-star athlete scientific mastery.

If for some inexplicable reason Benitez chooses to ignore all of the above recommendations thus further risking imminent failure, and, if you happen to be a Liverpool supporter reading this then you may wish to consider lowering the bar of expectation by beginning to support a team that already has a lower reputation. The only question being, with your faith so delicately poised, is which team has the right level of ability to carry your expectation? Which conveniently leads me to announce that I will be providing all the answers in a new series called "Club Limelight" in which I have given my self the epic task of critiquing all the prospective candidates starting from League 2 all the way to the Premier League. Quite a sacrifice you might say. Stay tuned for more details to follow next week.......

Liver Bird Heads Buried in sand

There is only one remedy that can dull the pain of seeing your beleaguered team spluttering into disappointment before the Christmas turkey has even been plucked -denial.

When ever Liverpool have a dip in form, I find my self consciously burying my head in the sand, avoiding match reports, switching off highlights, and shunning any talk of the teams misfortune even with fellow supporters, where you would think strength would be found in numbers. No, I prefer to disconnect and basically turn into a footballing social recluse. A flawed theory of "What you don't know can't hurt you." Hence the lack of posting's here in that last few weeks. Such is my desire to be insulated by grains of sands populating every orifice in my head, before the Lyon game, I even considered doctoring the Liver birds feathered head on my Liverpool shirt, so that it to was buried in the sand. If only I could sew.

Thankfully, I didn't vandalise the shirt despite Liverpool failing to stage yet another "Cup Final" turn around after being denied by Lyon's Lisandro equaliser at the death. Being pipped at the post is difficult pill to swallow at the best of times, but these things have a tendency to coincide with a string of poor results.

While I might have my head buried in the sand in vain attempt to shelter from the down pour of bad results, I refuse to believe that Liverpool's decent into the abyss, where Champions League football is just a mythical pipe dream the other teams outside the big four can only dream about, is anything more than poor form and horrendous luck. Besides the departure of Xabi Alonso to Real Madrid in the summer, the squad is fundamentally the same set of players, the manager is still Benitez and we are still owned by Americans who put the club in to debt in order to buy it.

Alonso, while he was obviously an integral cog to Liverpool's system, can not be the sole reason the teams form has since declined. Benitez had little choice on the departure once Alonso got the call from Perez who was building another generation of Galatico's. Instead he cashed in, and got a reasonable return and replacement in Aqualani, which is the nature of football. Players come and go, teams get rebuilt. I assumed Manchester United would be lost without the fantasy league points hording Ronaldo, but they seemed to have coped. Sure, winning the league and reaching the Champions League latter stages might not be such a full gone conclusion for Sir Alex's men, but their is no sign of imminent collapse.

I thought that victory over United would be the kick start to the season Liverpool so desperately crave, only for the debacle at Fulham to unfold seven days later. The sweat over Benitez brow seemed more like beads of liquid fear being squeezed out of the Spaniards pores as the pressure intensified at Craven cottage, but I still believe Benitez can and will turn Liverpool's ailing season around. Blind faith or classic denial? You decide. Until then, I will keep my head firmly buried in sand. Pluck me out of the dunes when we beat United again.

Are United taking the Michael?

Evidently its not a whined up, and Michael Owen has indeed signed for Manchester United. To be honest its not the biggest shock I have ever witnessed, as it was something I was banging on about a couple of weeks ago, that I thought Rafa should have been doing himself. Unfortunately my managerial prowess was aligned only with Fergie and not Rafa.

I had hoped, that with the shortage in the Liverpool front line, it could have been patched up with the signing of Owen on a free, just as we saw Robbie Fowler making the miraculous return to Anfield a couple of years ago. And, like the United deal, it would have to have been like phone credit, play as you go.

Ferguson has shown another piece of shrewd business, as this signing really is a win win. If Owen stays fit, they have a world class striker who always scores where ever he goes, and if he ends up sleeping on the treatment table while medics fondle his stocky legs, then United won't have to shell out 100 grand-plus, a week on wages.

Couple Owen's signing, and much of the 80m sterling lying around Old Trafford piggy banks, and it is a worrying proposition as to who else might join the Champions. Owen is obviously not the answer to Ronaldo's departure but he does now cover the hole left by Tevez.

Seeing the pictures of Owen in a United jersey, scarf aloft, albeit in a half assed hollow way, may have been just about the last act he could do, to severe any remaining Liverpool loyalty, but I can't say I really blame him. His career needs to be reignited and seeing him playing at Hull would have arguably been an even sadder story.

It will be an eerie sight seeing him play for United, so I will try and keep my memory from being perverted and stick to reminiscing his goals for Liverpool, just like his debut goal against Wimbledon at Selhurst Park. You could tell then that he had something, and I think he's still got it. Mark my worlds he will bang in the goals next season. Small print: all emphatic statements are subject to Michael Owen staying fit longer than it takes to read this disclaimer!!!

I couldn't find his debut goal, so we will have to make do with "that goal" in 98'. I just love the way he goes past Ayala, as if the defender is rooted to the spot.

European Bliss Domestic Miss

"Miss" might be a bit of harsh word to described Liverpool's domestic performance this season, given that they are currently placed 3rd in the Premier League, but why is it in such contrast to the European performances we now come to expect from Liverpool year in year out?

Real Madrid, who had less Spanish players in their starting 11 than Liverpool, were hammered 4-0, on another famous night at Anfield on Tuesday. And, it could have been far worse for Madrid, if it were not for their man of the match, but now dejected Goalkeeper, Iker Casillas.

I was some what nervous before the game, even though Liverpool were carrying the away goal and victory from the Bernabeu a week earlier, as I was expecting Real to come out all gun blazing. However, what ever tactical plan Juande Ramos had envisaged prior to kick off, was immediately devoured by Liverpool from the off. First Fernando Torres with an immense turn leaving World Cup winner Fabio Cannavaro flat footed and embarrassed before Casillas came to his aid.

Gerrard then tested Casillas again, just before the keeper tipped a rare 25 yard volley from Javier Mascherano, on to the bar. And all this before Liverpool eventually made the possession pay through Torres, who had a relatively simple finish after Kuyt squared. Pepe complained about a suspicion of offside or maybe it was being man handled, either of which hold little weight.

Liverpool's second came courtesy of a penalty, due to one time Liverpool target (and ex manc), Gabriel Heinze, who will have felt hard done by the handball given against him. He should take up the complaint with Liverpool's 12th man. Gerrard slotted the pen making it 3-nil on aggregate at half time.

If there were to be any sort of come back by Real Madrid, the idea was quickly diminished by another Gerrard goal at the start of the second half. A great half volley after being picked out by good work from Ryan Babel.

Unlikely goal scorer Dossena then capped off the outstanding Liverpool performance with his first goal for the club, completing the demolition.

Its hard to believe that this is the same Liverpool that were beat by Middlesbrough 2-nil last week in what I can only describe as one of the worst Liverpool performance I have witnessed, in recent memory. That defeat put a major dent in Liverpool's already dwindling Premier League title aspirations, which now makes the next encounter at Old Trafford this weekend, all or nothing.

Benitez proved he can beat Real Madrid, one of Europe's all time greats, away from home, but he now needs to transfer that European formula on to the domestic scene.

Until the weekend here are the highlights of the Liverpool's emphatic win over Real Madrid....

Liverpool v Real Madrid